I’m also finding it harder to remind myself that the horrible images I see are not real, but the distortions and misperceptions my awful vision creates is becoming harder to ignore – blurred people with misshapen heads and 3 sets of eyes – that’s what I see if I’m close to them. From a few feet away, the eyes are merely black orbs and when they open their mouth to talk there’s a third dark orb. A bit farther away and there’s no face at all – just a talking transparent figure with bits of colour from their skin and clothes.
I also started having horrible nightmares because at night my brain is replaying the images it captures during the daytime. A few months back, we laughed at this, but now these scares are on-going.
At night, anyone entering my room is a huge, menacing shadow silhouetted against the hallway light and I scream, “Who is that?!”
Now, my children are instructed to stay by the door and announce which of them it is because I’m so shaken by any dark presence.
Dark circles are always under my eyes and I can still see them under the concealer.
Sounds feel exaggerated. Some days, I can’t even tolerate the sound of my earphones as I run.
I’m cautious to put hope in the upcoming surgery, but I do nonetheless, telling myself that soon…soon this will be over.
It will get better.
But in the meantime, no one, aside from the children, can see me imploding.